Dude, what are we gonna do for New Year's Eve? It has to be awesome.
I know, it's probably gonna be the biggest night of our lives!
You guys! You guys!
- Guess what? - What, fat ass?
I've become a man! I started puberty, you guys!
- No, you didn't. - Yes! I really did!
- How do you know? - Well, because yesterday
I got my period!
- You got your what? - My period, you guys.
You see, there comes a time in every child's life when they grow up
and nature starts to take its course
by having you bleed out your ass for a few days every month.
You're making that up!
Ms Allerton! What's it mean to get a period?
- Well, boys, I don't think I can tell you. - Please, it's important.
Well, it's when puberty hits and you bleed.
You know, down there.
Holy..., dude, Cartman's right!
Well, guys, I'm afraid I won't be able to hang out with you on New Year's Eve.
I have to hang out with the older crowd, because now, I'm mature.
I got my period and you guys didn't!
Dude, Cartman can't hit puberty before us!
Well, maybe we'll get ours soon, too!
I'm gonna go see if I'm bleeding out my ass.
In local news, a stomach virus is going around
that is causing bleeding of the colon in some small children.
Doctors are telling parents that the virus is nothing to worry about
and that the infections can be dealt with, with simple antibiotics.
Well, it's just four days until New Years Eve 1999!
The new millennium is almost upon us
and all over the world people have started to celebrate.
By dancing, singing and killing one another.
But probably the biggest event of the millennium
is one happening in South Park, Colorado
where people have gathered for a chance to see Jesus Christ.
- Craig Netzel is standing by. - Thanks, Tom!
It is indeed four days until the new millennium
and hundreds if not thousands of people
have come from all over the world seeking Jesus
here at his house in South Park.
Everyone is giddy with anticipation for Jesus to come out
because as we all know,
if Jesus comes out of his house and is not scared by his shadow,
it means the next thousand years will be full of peace and love!
Oh, it looks like Jesus might be coming out!
Oh, look, Tommy! There he is!
- Can you see him? - He's neat, Mommy!
Everyone is very quiet here, Tom.
Looks like the little fella is a bit nervous,
but he has taken another step out, Tom.
This is great news for us!
What are you people doing?
Can I help you with something?
Well, it's the millennium, Jesus.
Well, it's the millennium.
- Yeah. - Yeah. Right!
So? What happens at the millennium?
- I don't know! - We thought you did.
Yeah, you are supposed to know.
Yeah, you're Jesus. How does it go?
Oh.
Well... Yea, believe in me and ye shall find peace.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! We've heard that crap for about 2,000 years now,
we wanna hear something new!
- It's the year 2000 for Christ's sake! - Yeah!
Well, what do you want?
We want to see God.
- Yeah, with our own eyes. - Yeah!
We've followed blindly for thousands of years
and we think the least God can do is show up for New Year's Eve 1999!
Yeah!
Oh. Let me think about that for a minute.
- Is that good? - I don't know.
I don't know, is that good or not?
- Hello? - Dude, did you get your period yet?
No there's no blood coming out of my ass.
Mine neither. But I double checked
and Cartman was right, your period is the start of puberty.
Well, if Cartman's the only one who gets it
and he thinks he's too grown up to hang out with us
on New Year's Eve, then screw him anyways.
Yeah.
Come on, Cartman! We have to make plans for New Year's!
Hold your horses, guys.
This is very important for mature people.
Let's see..."Offers complete protection during heavy flow..."
"Maximum stoppage of vaginal chunks."
This one's got wings, you guys!
- You did? - You got your period, too, Kenny?
Well, welcome to the club, Kenny.
You got your period, so now you're a man!
We can hang out together on New Year's Eve!
But first, you need to buy some Maxi pads
to stuff in the back of your pants so you don't get blood on your underwear.
Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus was going to come out of his house
but then he went back inside,
but meanwhile, more and more people
are showing up to show their support for Jesus.
Well, the way I see it,
if he really is who he says he is,
well then, he'd better do something on New Year's Eve 'cause it's in the Bible!
Father, I need to talk to you.
Please, Father, appear to me.
What is it, my child?
Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again
because of the new millennium!
I'm kind of making a comeback!
Yea, like John Travolta before you, you are experiencing a second revival.
It's the millennium, Father.
People want to see you.
Nay, their eyes are not yet prepared to see the likes of me.
But, Dad, I think this may be my one big shot at a comeback!
Be ye careful of pride, Jesus.
Just make an appearance.
You can come down, say hi to a few people and you can be back by 12:30.
I am sorry, my son.
But if you want to earn everyone's love, you will have to do it yourself.
Ike, can I talk to you?
Ike, I don't know what to do.
All the guys are getting their periods.
And I don't think I am.
I can't be the last one to get it, I just can't.
Cartman got his, then Kenny.
What if tomorrow Stan says he got his and I'm left out?
I might not even get to be their friend any more!
Yeah! I could just say I got my period!
It's not like they'll check!
I can just say I got my period, 'cause I really will get it someday.
It's not really lying, it's just jumping the gun a little!
Thanks a lot, Ike!
So you guys aren't going to spend New Year's Eve with us?
Look, Kenny and I are mature now.
We can't spend New Year's Eve with a couple of kids.
Did you get your Maxi pads, Kenny?
A tampon? What's a tampon?
Dude, doesn't that hurt?
You guys! I got my period, too!
- Wow, cool! - You did?
Yeah, I was just hanging out in my room
and then I perioded all over the place.
All right!
You have to be in me and Kenny's club, then!
My mom gave me this
Women Who Run with the Wolves book
and I'm finding out all about our goddess powers!
- Awesome, we get powers? - Yeah, come on!
We can set up everything in my clubhouse
and get ready for New Year's Eve!
Hey, don't feel bad, Stan.
Some of us just mature a little later than others.
Are you there, God? It's me, Stan.
If you wouldn't mind
I don't want to be the only kid who doesn't get his period
before the New Year.
Could you speed up my development a little?
Thanks, God. Your friend, Stan.
Are you there God? It's me, Jesus.
I feel like I have a real shot at a comeback, God.
For whatever reason people are starting to follow me again.
I'm 2,000 years old but I feel like I'm 28 again.
I think I'm going to win everybody back
because I just made a few phone calls
and I'm gonna put on the most amazing
New Year's spectacle this world has ever seen!
Good morning, South Park!
It's 8:00 a.m. And only two more days
until the new millennium!
Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it!
Stanley, honey, what's the matter?
I'm not bleeding out of my ass!
Well, that's good, honey.
No it's not, it's terrible.
Are you there, God? It's me, Stan.
How come you didn't help me?
I know you're really busy with things,
but this is a matter of life and death.
If I don't get my period
my friends won't let me hang out with them on New Year's Eve.
Please, please give me my period soon.
Here he comes!
He's coming out!
I have given it much thought, my children, and you are right.
After reviewing the Bible,
it does indeed say that something
very big is going to happen at the millennium.
I have spoken to my father in heaven
and he agreed that the millennium is significant to all of us.
And ye who believe in me shall be rewarded!
So what we're gonna do, tomorrow night,
New Year's Eve 1999...
We just got Rod Stewart to agree
to play a comeback concert at the Rio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas
and you're all going!
We knew you could do it, Jesus!
Well, I better book my ass a flight to Vegas!
For he is Saviour
For he is Lord
He gives me hope when
I have only been bored
And he lifts me up with his gentle arms
Okay, is everyone accounted for?
- Goddess Wind? - Here!
Goddess Moon?
And I am here. Goddess Earthly Delights.
So, this is the first meeting of our club for teens who have gotten their periods.
We're supposed to talk about our periods and boys.
Let's talk about boys first.
I think Craig is pretty cool
but I don't think Clyde is very cool.
I think Clyde is kind of cool.
But Craig is definitely cooler than Clyde.
Okay, that settles that.
Now let's talk about our periods.
Kyle, you first.
- What's the matter, Kyle? - Nothing.
My period is really...
My period is going swimmingly.
Okay, that makes sense. Mine's going swimmingly, too.
- Oh, hello, Stan! - Hey, Chef.
- How's it going? - Bad.
- Why bad? - Can I come in?
Well, sure.
Now, what's the matter, little cracker?
Chef, I have this friend, see
and this person is really bummed out
because everyone else the same age has gotten their period
and this person hasn't.
Oh, you talking about your older sister Shelly?
- No. - Your little girlfriend Wendy?
Look, it doesn't matter who it is. The point is that
everyone else got their period and this person hasn't.
Look, Stan, do you really know what a period is?
Yeah, Cartman told us.
Stan, let me sing you a little song about the menstrual cycle.
I think it might clear things up for you.
Okay.
Oooh baby, yeah baby, ooh baby
Yeah baby, yeah baby, now baby
Oooh yeah, yes, yes, baby
Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh baby
Oh! Oh, no!
Baby
Ew, baby, no!
Aw! No, I'm all right, I'm cool, it's okay.
Watch out for the bedspread, baby. Look out now.
I'll tell you what...
How about...
Why don't I call you next week?
And that's my song about the menstrual cycle, Stan.
Did that clear things up for you?
So what you're saying is
this person shouldn't be bummed because
everybody has their period at a different time.
Is that what I said?
But it's not fair!
It's not fair that one day you're on top,
you're the coolest kid in town and then the next day
you're at the bottom again because everyone has
blood coming out their ass but you
and if I can't menstruate, then by God,
I'm not gonna sit around and be the only periodless eight-year-old boy.
I'm gonna do something about it!
Whoa, I must have missed a whole middle part there.
I can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millennium concert.
He's gotten a little older, but you're gonna see how much he can still rock.
Oh, I'm excited, too.
I think it will bring my Father's children back to their faith
and back to mine eyes, for I am the lamb of God.
Yeah, and you know Rod is a seasoned veteran,
so I am gonna have to ask for a bit more cash, but we can talk about that later.
Here comes Rod now!
- Hey, Rod, great to see you! - Ow!
The folks are sure glad you're playing.
It's really given them a lot of faith in me again.
I'm sure that together we can make this millennium party
the best New Year's bash ever!
- Poo pants. - What?
- Poo pants. - "Poo pants"?
- Poop my pants. - You pooped your pants?
- I pooped my pants. - Oh.
Nurse?
Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
Again?
Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
Yes, puberty is a very wonderful thing, Stan.
It's what links us all together, makes us one!
But what happens if there was someone who never went through puberty?
"Never went through puberty"?
Who never went through puberty?
Nobody! I mean, well, my dad.
Your father never went through puberty?
No, and that's why he sent me here.
'Cause he's too embarrassed to come himself.
Well, I can't say that I blame him.
So, do you know anything that can help him?
Well, I should think the most logical solution would be hormones.
Hormones?
Yes, tell your father to take just one of these pills every week.
It could be just what he needs.
And be sure to tell him that his secret is safe with me.
Thanks a lot, Dr Mephisto! You're the best!
My pleasure.
I just love helping people.
Now, for our first club activity,
we're supposed to reach into this little dish and pull out a word.
We look at the word, and think about what that word means to us.
Okay, today's word is "spirituality".
- What that means to me is... - Hey, assholes!
Oh look, it's that little boy who hasn't gotten his period yet.
Don't you worry about that!
- I've started taking hormones! - Hormones?
Yeah, they make you have your puberty quicker.
And I'm just here to tell you
that my puberty is gonna be bigger than any of you guys'.
Dude, I don't think eight-year-olds are supposed to take hormones.
Yeah, you shouldn't force your period, Stan.
You should let it come, like the morning dew.
So what are we gonna do for New Year's?
Well, we're going with our families to Las Vegas.
I guess there'll be some younger kids there, too, if you wanna go.
I'm gonna go take some more hormones.
Now, the word is spirituality.
I believe that the goddess in me is my spirituality because...
Quiet, Kenny. The goddess lives in all of us and...
God damn it, Kenny, shut the hell up!
Whoa, dude!
- Mr. and Mrs. McCormick? - Yes?
I'm sorry, we couldn't save your son.
Oh, my God!
My little Kenny's gone!
I can't believe it!
We just didn't get to him in time. There was nothing we could do.
What happened?
What killed him, Doctor?
Well, we found a tampon stuck up your child's ass.
Apparently, he'd had it up there for several days.
It plugged him up until he finally burst from the inside out
like a ruptured septic tank.
Oh, my God!
My worry is that he could have been following some kind of crazy new fad.
Perhaps the children are all shoving tampons up their ass
because they've seen the Backstreet Boys doing on it TV or something.
We must get to the bottom of this,
if you'll pardon the pun. But actually right now
I've got to catch a plane to Las Vegas to see the Rod Stewart millennium show.
Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas?
Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas
where tomorrow night, the New Year's Eve event is going to happen.
Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour
is presenting Rod Stewart, the undisputed king of pop,
right here at this hotel behind me.
It looks as though Jesus really has come through!
Everyone is very excited, because rumour has it
that God himself is going to show up to the event!
- What? - How about you, ma'am?
Do you think God is going to show up tomorrow night?
Of course he is!
This is Jesus we're talking about!
He wouldn't let us down!
Oh, no.
Are you there, God?
Father, will you please reconsider and show up tomorrow?
Hello?
Stanley?
Wake up, honey, it's time to leave for Las Vegas!
Whoa, dude, I've got boobs!
Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place for us mature people.
All right, people, are we ready to rock the millennium?
Father in Heaven, please let tonight's show go well.
Please make them like it!
Hey, here comes Stan.
Have I missed anything?
Wow, Stan, you've really got some nice titties there.
Did you get your period yet, Stan?
No, I didn't but...
Don't worry, you'll get it some day. Come on, Kyle.
Let's go see what kind of tampons they have here in Las Vegas.
Well, I tell you one thing, I sure as heck am excited!
We've got about four hours to the New Year
and so I think it's time to start it up!
Ladies and gentlemen, here he is.
As promised, Mr. Rod "Do-You-Think-I'm-Sexy" Stewart!
Whoa, man.
Oh, pooped 'em.
This sucks balls!
Yeah!
All right, enough of this!
Bring out God!
- Yeah! - Oh, no.
We want God!
Please, Father, do something!
We want God!
Folks, I'm afraid God can't make it tonight.
We came all the way to Las Vegas for this?
This is the worst New Year's ever!
Thanks a lot, Jesus!
Let's get him!
Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas
in what is quickly becoming known as
the gayest party ever.
Everyone is so outraged
that they are building a large cross
in which to once again crucify our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
Jesus, why does God hate me?
Huh? He doesn't hate you. He hates me.
He's gonna let me be crucified again.
He hates me more. He doesn't answer my prayers.
I prayed to him every day. And he never answered me.
Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't answer your prayers
doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.
Well then why didn't he give me what I wanted?
Well, God can't just answer every prayer
and suddenly give you everything you want.
That takes all the living out of life.
What do you mean?
If God answered all our prayers,
there would be nothing left for us to do ourselves.
Life is about problems,
and overcoming those problems,
and growing and learning from obstacles.
If God just fixed everything for us,
then there'd be no point in our existence.
That's why he wouldn't show up to my New Year's party!
- I just wanted my period. - I get it now, Father!
I had to learn all this on my own.
I was overcome with my new popularity,
and I let pride get in the way of good judgement.
Whoa, what is that?
- It's Dad. - God?
God is going to show himself?
Look! I can see him!
Father, you came!
Now look upon me, my children, and know me.
Be ye not afraid.
Blessed art thou, my children.
That's God?
Yea, 'tis my father, the creator.
He is the Alpha and the Omega.
The beginning and the end.
Well, yeah, but, that?
What did you expect me to look like, my son?
Well, not like that!
Since it is the end of the first 2,000 years,
I will allow you, my children, to ask me one question.
- One question? - Only one?
- What should we ask him? - We have to think carefully!
We can ask him anything we want, like,
"What's the meaning of life?" Or "Why are we here?"
I have it! I have the question!
Now you have to answer me once and for all!
How come I haven't gotten my period yet?
My child, you are a boy.
Boys do not get periods.
That's only for girls.
Your friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses
because of an acute colon infection.
And your friend Kyle simply lied about it.
How'd he know that?
You will hit puberty when the time is right,
but you will never have a period because you are a man, with titties.
Thus spaketh the Lord.
And now I return to heaven.
Hey, wait! That doesn't count as our question, does it?
I will answer another on New Year's Eve in the year 4000.
Did you hear that, everybody?
I'm not even supposed to have my period!
That's why God wasn't answering me before!
Boy, I'm sure glad everything worked out okay.
I guess now we can all celebrate the New Year, huh?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear
- For auld lang syne... - Let's get him!